last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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