a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
