She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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