her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
