i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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