her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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