You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
