Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
