I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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