Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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