Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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