Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
