My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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