she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
