Umm I'm too high to move.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
