I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
