what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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