Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
