his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
