fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My ATM looks so different sober.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
