Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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