Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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