i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
