I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
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Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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