I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
