It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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