I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
