So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
