All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
