He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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