I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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