I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
