your thong is hanging out like whoa
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
