The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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