I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
home. puking in laundry basket.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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