I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
