OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
