a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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