Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
