What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
