When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
