I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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