People with herpes should wear stickers.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
