No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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