The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
