She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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