I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
