You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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