hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
