FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
