Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
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I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.