If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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