they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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