She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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