Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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