sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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