If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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