ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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