im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Small penises have feelings too.
bring money and cleavage
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
