Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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