I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
