Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
