I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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